Monday, April 13, 2009

Treat All God's Chilluns Equal

So, I'm working the door one Friday night, when a gentleman rolls up in a wheelchair. I nod and greet him politely. The gent looks down into the bar (it's four steps below sidewalk level to the door).

Douche on Wheels: How the hell am I supposed to get in?
Me: I can help you, brother. Do you prefer the stairs, or the ramp? (I point to the ramp normally used for beer deliveries at the side door).
DoW: I don't need your help! I just need appropriate access! You've heard of the American Disabilities Act?
Me: Sure. But I offered you access to the ramp, or to help you down the stairs, so I'm confused by your attitude?
DoW: MY attitude? Go fuck yourself! I have a right to come into this bar!!!
Me: No, you have the right to access this bar. Even if we were at street level, I wouldn't let you in, now, because you're a douche.
DoW: Oh, you're so getting sued! I can't believe you're operating in flagrant disregard of the Disabilities Act! I'm gonna own this bar!!!
Me: Good to know. Can I have a raise?
DoW: Go ahead and laugh it up. You'll see...unless your boss wants to make some kind of settlement?

(rolling my eyes)
Me: Wow, you're fucked again. I am the boss, and I'd rather lick a bum's ass than give you a nickel in a half-assed shakedown. This can't possibly ever work, can it?
DoW: Your loss, I'm gonna sue, then!!!
Me: Fine see you in court.

Rolling thunder launched into a rant. I let him go for several minutes before finally asking him to just go away. I told him he was absolutely not going to get a nickel from the establishment, so he might as well call it a night and roll his happy ass home. I also informed him that since the business had been in constant operation since 1942, we were exempt from the local rules regarding handicap access. This new information perplexed him at first, then sent him into another rage.

Me: Look, this is the first time I've ever even been tempted to smack a guy in a wheelchair. Why don't we just go our separate ways?
DoW: (actually rolls his chair into me) I'm not afraid of you! Bring it on, I dare you!
Before I could stop myself, I pulled his hoody over his head and kicked his chair, causing it to roll across the sidewalk towards the street. I attempted to grab it, but it was like a damned Sam Peckinpah movie. Everything kinda went into slow motion. One of the resident liberal chicks came running from the bar, screaming.

At that moment, the chair rolled off the curb and dumped the guy into the street. The girl began cursing and poking me in the arm and chest, but I was more interested in the guy. He was also cursing he stood up and collected his stuff, and began pushing his chair away. Didn't even have the courtesy to limp.

The girl also saw this, and stopped her verbal assault. I calmly advised her that it was a bad idea to get involved in an altercation in a bar, and it was a very bad idea to initiate physical contact with staff. She tried to get indignant, so I booted her ass too.
Hate 'em all, let God sort 'em out.

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