Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Matty vs. the Uber-Douche...penpal style. Pt 1

Got a long one today, friends. Actually, it's gonna be a series of long ones.

Over the last few days, I received several emails from a guy I used to know that has made some..questionable decisions in his pursuit of love, attention, or whatever it is that floats his boat. I reached out to him at the request of a young lady friend that he had become enamored with when he saw her picture on my fb page. She had asked me to intervene on her behalf, as she was turned off by his behavior and manic tendencies. She had asked him to quit contacting her, and he continued. As I had foolishly vouched for him based on our previously knowing each other 20-odd years earlier, I felt obligated to try to clear things up. I contacted him directly and, as diplomatically as I knew how, suggested he needed to find another pursuit. He promptly de-friended me and bombarded her w/ double digit emails and phone calls over the next few days. Bear in mind, he had never even been in the same state as the girl, 18 yr.s his junior, much less in the same room. They had merely contacted each other via fb, im and later, phone calls over a two week period. I mentioned the situation in a blog over a year ago. He wasn't mentioned by name but now, a year later, he has crawled out from whatever rock he's been hiding under and is suddenly offended by the post. Phhhhhttttt!

Chapter 1

"If you're 40-plus years old, and instantly fall in love with a 24 year old girl on facebook or myspace after seeing her picture, you're sad. If, after a few online chats, you get jealous because she works late, you're a loser. If, after being advised to let it go and get on with your life, you continue to inundate the girl with dozens of emails, fb or myspace messages, AIM messages, etc over the next 72 hours, you're instantly elevated to Uber-Douche."

OK, first of all you've been terribly misled, but I'll get to that in just one second. For now let me just say I found this quite amusing and have definitely been called a lot worse by a lot better people. I'm sure you have. Your behavior, as will be documented, makes it seem unlikely that you haven't had a great litany of adjectives attached to your name. It's nice you're so well (or is it mal) adjusted that you're ok w/ it.

Actually I don't mind being considered an "uber-douche," but I just cannot stand the awful karma that goes with being one. The karma's on you, dude. Nobody to blame but yourself. Although I must say I'd rather be an "uber-douche" who's free of any hematological malignancies than the really super-cool guy who isn't. This is a reference to my being diagnosed w/ Multiple Myeloma. Ohhhh, that hurt. You're right. It must be better to be a bully of girls than to have cancer. Given the choice, I'll take the cancer. Enjoy your decision, cock-hole. That's what generates your karma. I do appreciate the compliment of being a "super-cool guy", though. Besides, not everyone thinks I'm a "U-D." Such as, the people who actually know me or take time to find out the truth about things before displaying the kind of integrity it takes to write that kind of thing about someone without even saying their name or, I don't know, saying it directly TO them, ever. Well, obviously you're suffering from selective amnesia. If you recall, I did reach out to you at the very beginning of all this. You immediately de-friended me, removing any avenue that I had to reach you again. I left all names out of the post as a courtesy to both you and your victim. I thought I was being pretty considerate. If you feel differently, feel free to respond in the comment section giving me the authority to use your name and I'll be more than happy to use it. Besides, everyone knows only real uber-douches use such terms as "uber-douche." And by that logic, you are now an uber-douche. I'm rubber, you're glue...infinity. So suck it, you asshat.

Now, without wasting much more of my time slumming here, perhaps it would be fun to, just for a minute, let you in on some surprising facts. And by the way, I don't just pour gravy on opinions or positions and label them "facts." I identify them as facts and then prove them indisputably in any number of ways. I'm sorry you're out of your element here in my slum, but I didn't invite your fusillade of emails (7 in 3 days) that drew this, the first of several chapters of your little manifesto. Mmmm, gravy.

Fact 1: I'm guessing you didn't know the ONLY person who even uttered the word "love," was not I, it was "L". And she didn't just utter it, she professed hers for me in writing, several times, even after being told to quit kidding around. Let me guess ... "The Matty" wasn't told that bit of information, was he. Hmmm. I'll gladly accept any missives that verify your claim. "L"s version differs wildly. Of course, it's no surprise that your delusional mind sees things that others can't. Instead of "I see dead people", it's "I see whatever I need to see to validate myself".

Fact 2: More of a question, really, but of what was I supposedly "jealous," based on someone working late? I was jealous of the chex mix because it got to sit in a bowl there and I couldn't? I'm going to guess you got this second-hand too, and not from anything you saw written by me or actually heard me say. No, I didn't actually hear you say anything. But then again, you were a thousand miles away at the time. I was working at the bar w/ "L" the night you sent her the malicious missive (like the alliteration?) berating her for not being available at the time the two of you had set to chat on IM. It appeared from your aforementioned email that you were convinced she was back w/ an ex-boyfriend, which she was not. Additionally, we didn't serve Chex mix, it was too expensive. We just used pretzels.

Fact 3: If you had done something as brutally disrespectful and malicious to me as "L" did, I would've without a sound just taken out one of your knees and then put you to sleep in a way you wouldn't be able to remember when you woke up. That I'd like to see, numbnuts. And that would've been that, as they say. I'm not going to sit here and explain or justify anything to you, however, or explain why my actions had you done anything equally as brutal and intentional to me would've been so much different than what they ended up being with her. If you have no desire to explain or justify anything, fine. I had forgotten you even existed until you started your manic rambling campaign a few days ago. Once again, you've proven the not so old adage: a jackass doesn't know when to shut the hell up.

And finally, MATT, (See, he thinks by using Matt rather than Matty I'll be offended, hence the capitalization. God, what a douche) I sure do hope you'll announce it to the world when you've become an expert on and mastered the dynamics between men and women, which I expect should be quite soon. It's no great stretch. Don't try to bully women into behaving the way you want. Take them at face value when they say they don't want anything else to do with you. Don't create multiple email accounts when your email is blocked. Don't set up ficticious fb accounts to try to spy on people. At best it's just creepy, at worst... First, if I ever had "instantly fall(en) in love with a 24 year old girl on facebook or myspace after seeing her picture," I would've considered myself one of the most fortunate people alive. Then you are the most fortunate Fruit Loop you know. When you first contacted me about her, you were a gushing 'tard. Even when I told you she used to be a man (just joking at the time) you continued the gush. It was more than a tad embarrassing for me at the time. Because of course I am not required to observe or employ whatever your definition of "love" is, and if/when the time comes that I do fall in love with someone, I promise you I am not going to give a rat's ass whether or not you find it "sad," or anything else you could possibly opine. 40something man chasing 20something girl after merely seeing her picture is, in fact, pretty friggin' sad. Live with it. And second, I honestly thought you were intelligent enough to know all that bullshit you regurgitated can quickly and easily be rendered totally meaningless with one simple, factual observation I pose to you now as a question: WERE YOU THERE? 'Cause I damn sure don't remember you being anywhere around, ever, much less every single second. No, I wasn't there. And neither were you, moron. You were several states away. I was privy to many, and I mean many, emails as they rolled in on her phone, however. Is that close enough for you, dipshit?

Aside from the fact the girl probably isn't even legal to begin with, you know damn well she's confrontational, a bully, and really just kinda fucked in the head - for starters - and I don't suffer fools lightly, male or female. Amazing how her immigration status didn't factor into your equation when you were seeking a paramour. Only after being rebuffed did you come up w/ this ridiculous accusation. You keep referring to how close you got to her and how well you know her, but you don't even know she was born in this country? Dude, you are 32 flavors of fucked up. So in summary, not only is your opinion meaningless to the point of amusing to me, the simple truth is you don't know shit and thus have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. Which I only tell you now of course just in case you had the slightest bit of integrity and actually cared whether or not the things you write are even valid or have merit. Blah, blah, blah, asshat, douchebag, ramblings of a massive tool.

At least now we can be glad to know where we both stand on things. And any time you're interested and I feel like taking the time, maybe I'll send a jolt or two through you and show/tell you the kinds of things that could motivate a person to switch their douche into uber-drive. Once again, the post that you now find so offensive you have known about for over a year. It makes my stance on things pretty clear...I think youre an uber-douche. I'm sure things are lonely for you, dancing around in front of the mirrors in a ladies robe you lifted from the dressing room at Lane Bryant, but bro, get a hobby. Get a life. As I stated earlier, I had moved on. The only reason I even got involved in the first place was because I had foolishly vouched for this asshat based on knowing him when we were MUCH younger. Even after the first two emails, I was going to let it go. After the next few, it became game on. Hopefully my gentle readers won't be too bored w/ your bullshit (after all, we're already up to 7 chapters), but I'm sure the payoff at the end will be worth it to them.