Saturday, April 24, 2010

Slices of Life from a Cancerous Pie

While I was searching for a reason for my anemia (which obviously was later attributed to Multipe Myeloma), I wound up at the Cardiologist. After some tests and x-rays...

Dr. Sunshine: It's not overly concerning, but you're heart is slightly enlarged.

Me: That's a relief!
DS: (confused) How is that a relief?

Me: Well, there was that time I was in Whoville at Christmas when my heart swelled three times its normal size.

(uncomfortable silence)

Me: It's a joke. It's a reference to "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".

DS: (very dryly) I get the reference.

Me: Wow. If you ever decide not to be a heart specialist, you've got a great future as a funny bone specialist.

(tumbleweeds blowing through the exam room)

After I was diagnosed w/ Myeloma, I was in need of a smoke to calm the nerves. I left the Cancer Building and walked down to the designated smoking area near the parking deck. While there, I noticed a middle-aged woman crossing the street headed in my direction. When she got to me...

Bitchy Chick: You know you're smoking outside the cancer building, right?

Me: Than God. I'd hate to think the wrong people just had their hands up my ass.

BC: You should put that out! People here have cancer!

Me: (taking a long drag) Newsflash, bitch, I have cancer, so how about stepping off my dick? (blowing the smoke at her)
The baffled silence that followed was priceless as she slunk away.

Scenes From the Sticks...
If you're wondering about the picture attached to this post, look very closely. It's a yardsale...a very tacky yardsale...outside of a "by the week/by the hour" motel of questionable repute. The lady running the sale lives there. She has a beer cozy adorned w/ black feathers. Her dental work resembles Michael Spinks (she has no front teeth). The vast majority of her items seem to fall into the "Mardi Gras" or "trashy stripper" category. Imagining this wrinkled sasquatch utilizing any of the stripper gear was enough to make my junk shrivel and crawl up into my belly in fear.

Random Thoughts...

I've been watching a lot of shows w/ the fam that feature midgets/dwarves/little people and find most of them are pretty damned bitchy (does short of stature equal short of patience?) or fairly worthless spouses/workers/humans (did they just give up on excelling in life beccause they couldn't get a job at Santa's Workshop?). The shows would be much more palatable if they were more like their stars...shorter. I really don't need an hour of whiny/angry midgets.

Prediction - Completely broke by the end of the year, Jon (from Jon and Kate plus 8) will make a porno enititled, I'm sure you've guessed it, Jon plus 8. Basically, he'll jump in a pile w/ eight porn sluts and show the world his beanie-weenie and lack of prowess. Kate will be outraged, and do a spread for Hustler in protest.